Falling faster in the hole I made for myself. I can't find the spare shovel to break the surface of caving dirt. The mouth of darkness keeps growing, deeper, darker. Blackness awaits my thoughts, In my waking moments my mind wonders to how lonely I feel. Alienating myself so i become numb again. Numb from what plagues me. Emotions fading into that icy flawless face. Brown eyes never looked so cold, never looked so dead.
A sliver of moon shines above me. Just barely a thumbnail of hope. The tears start to fall. Such sorrow, such rage. That well deep inside me filling up with shadows. With pain. I lay awake at night.. staring out my window.. Wondering, wishing, waiting, hoping. For something different then myself. For something more. Some purpose to gain from all the pain I've accumulated. Barely alive, Yet falling faster into nothing.
No more understanding, Thoughts scrambled in silence. No words can express how much sorrow fills my heart. When i look upon someone who seems happy.. I always ask myself "are they truly happy?.. or is it just yet another mask we put up so no one sees the truth?"
Is everyone just like me? hiding in such loud silence? So many different masks.. So many different faces.. and none of them staring back at me is real..
Pain has a flavor on the tongue. Like rainstorms. The smell of static in the back of the throat.. The feeling of lighting about to touch ground. About to make the world shake itself apart. Your body tenses waiting for yet another blow to strike. Yet another scar upon my back. Flinching at the sound of it. Thinking someday the bleeding will stop, that the fear will subside, That someday the pain will go away. and leave you blissfully numb to the touch, to the taste, to the feeling of my heart breaking.
And yet it's just another day at life, another day at living in the dark. never sharing myself, never loosing control. In constant fear of who i am. The hate i feel. There is no help for me. I accept my pain, my rage, my sorrow. It is now a part of me. and it hides behind so many masks.. you'll never see the truth.